Sunflower

I was a freshman and you recently shifted from another course. I sense this aura of determination coming for you, and I admire you so much for that; this is where a small plant of attraction to you sprouted. It was a small crush for you, really.

Then two broken relationships and anxiety rose up from the surface because of that. As people know, I have been diagnosed with a kind of anxiety called avoidant personality disorder. This means that I tend to really avoid people at all costs. I started to hate everyone including myself. I have those thoughts that I was worthless around people and have no worth

I feel troubled at those times until I started to think about you. These thoughts vanish like smoke. I feel that I was safe whenever I think of you. Because of this, my anxiety attacks are not as frequent anymore. I still have those (my last episode was a month ago), but it quickly dissipates whenever I have thoughts of you. Just you in my mind clarifies my mind full of blurs.

You may not know this, but your determination inspired me. And this small sprout became a tall and prominent sunflower in my heart. And it fills me with determination. And I’ll do anything to take care of you and the sunnflower.

“Thank you, and I love you from the deepest part of my heart.”

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Double-edged sword

I’m afraid of love. It’s like a double-edged sword; it may hurt you or the one that you love.

I’m scared of telling my feelings to someone or receiving it, because I know for sure that I will be the first one to break it. From my previous relationships, I would say that I am the one starting to tear the relationship apart without closure.

I don’t want to show feelings at all. I don’t like to express it, too. Even saying “I love you” is difficult for me. I once wished that I would exchange my emotions for something, because I know that someone will get hurt once I express it. And I will also hurt myself for guilt and shame from doing it. I am hearing voices inside my head saying these things:

“Don’t do it, don’t tell him that you have feelings for him.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same way to you.”

“You’ll hurt him the same way as you did to your past boyfriends.”

“It’s better to be alone. You will hurt nobody.”

Because of that, I cannot tell my feelings for him. It’s just being next to him makes me content, at the very least. I just want to see him everyday. Because I feel that he is one that is worth protecting for. I will be his solace whenever he is sad. It seems like a near-death situation will make me say that I love him. But I am afraid, because I may break you and myself.

“I love you, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

Allergy

Another semester has ended again. There are so many things that happened this year. It seems like I outlasted all of my subjects. I became an emotional train wreck. I found myself. Well, let us congratulates ourselves!

Earlier, we are in the jeep together. I would buy you some antihistamine just because you accidentally drank a cup of coconut whiskey, which tastes like a mix of vinegar and vodka, and I just found our that you have an allergy on alcoholic drinks. You could’ve just told me that. I would drink all of that whiskey of yours when you’re losing on the bobo game. You were swelling as we’re going home. Well, I hope that you are okay there in home and took some antihistamine to alleviate what you are feeling.

Yet I cannot find the courage to confess to you. I don’t know when will I be able to confess to you; maybe time will tell. Maybe I’m very afraid telling what I feel.

Work Ethics

If you are:
1) Taking all the credit all by yourself even if everyone did their part to finish the work.
2) Speaking bad things about your work mates and praising yourself too much to other people.
3) Taking most of the tasks yet you’re not doing it or messes it up, giving more stressful workload to your work mates.
4) You pressure others to the point that someone does get the job inadequately.
5) You have good connections to your boss and you use it to your own advantage to handicap your work mates.
Well bad luck, you have a bad work ethic. At least these are the qualities to determine to tell whether your work ethics is bad or not, in my perspective.
Yes, I may have those qualifications that I have a bad work ethic. But hey, at least I’m not a hypocrite. I hope that I could change it when I am still in college before I venture out to the real world. Reality outside the school will be a painful experience if you still have these qualities, because you can make mortal enemies in the workplace with that attitude of yours.

This was inspired by a post in the Humans of New York Facebook page.

Elusive

I don’t like to talk to people. I tend to feel that they think that I don’t belong on their group. They don’t like a person like me. They feel that I am different. That I am deviant, that I am toxic. That why I am elusive to people. Yet I want to be close to people.

I have the tendency to restrain myself from interacting with other people, because I feel that I don’t “connect” to them because I feel that I will rejected and a mess that no one should deserve to be close to me. That includes my close friends and my family. You know that feeling when you are with someone who is close to you yet you feel that you don’t belong to his/her life? Yeah, I feel like that everyday. Though I have thoughts that I  am very close to them. I feel that I am connected.

Well, I want to say many things to  many people which I cannot say to the straight in the face. To the people who try to help me with all their “advice”, you make me feel worse about myself. They think that they are being “expert psychologists” when in fact that they don’t know anything about psychology at all. They’re all quack for me.

My brother telling me that I am being selfish because I only think of myself. Oh sorry, but did I tell you and mom to NOT bother me. Heck, I don even feel both of you as someone who I can cling on when I am in need. Oh well, at least you tried.

And to one of my friends in high school, fuck you. I mean, FUCK YOU for existing. You are a reminder that you are one of the persons that I should avoid in life because I want to punch you in the face. And to tell you that, our friends hates you. And you’re a living piece of shit.

Though I have a few hopes that i could keep on living. I have this crush on someone who I am friends with. Let’s call this person ‘GC’. I don’t have the ability to tell my feelings to this person, but I want to tell this. I like you. Heck, maybe I could say that I love you because I have a crush on you since last semester (maybe even earlier, I dunno); that means that I have feelings for you. I want to erase these but I can’t do it. Maybe that’s the reason why my relationships don’t last too long. I can’t stop thinking about you everyday.

So, GC. I want to tell my feelings for you for a long time but I’m afraid that I can’t. I’m afraid to come out of my shell and say my what I want to say with you, maybe because you will hate me or avoid me for that. Probably I am not your type of guy. I don’t mind if you don’t return my feelings. I just want you to know that there is an elusive fox who cares for you, even if I don’t show these when we interact with each other. But I can’t seem to do it. Maybe I won’t until you graduate from college. But if you are on trouble, I’m always here for you. Love you, GC.

Lost in his Home

October 7, 2016. Friday. I had two breakdowns on that day (~9:45AM & ~11AM). Life is so good for me that it made me cry like the little bitch like I am in my room and in the Old Humanities Building in UP Los Baños. /sarcasm
Just like my orgmate (and friend) in UP Los Baños, “It’s beyond your control.” It’s true, especially if you’re just dealing all of your problems in life by yourself. It’s noxious that you’re killing yourself with all the anxieties in life that eats all of your feelings away. I want to discuss this to my friends & family about it, but I don’t like to talk to people. I think all of them are the backstabbing type where their knives which are poison-coated that will slowly kill you inside.

I just hate myself thinking that idea about people. Maybe I’m just too traumatized from what happened during my childhood that it affected my interaction to other people who I may not be able to make friends or meet my someone that may hold a special place to my heart. I don’t like that. I just don’t know how to solve this dilemma of mine. Maybe I don’t know myself that well, after all.

I’m a fox lost in the woods which is his own home.

Mirage

I am travelling in a desert, far away from the civilization that I know. My throat is parched, the rays of the sun reaches its zenith, the heat is getting stronger & stronger.

As I travel further to the desert, my water supply runs out. I started searching for a source of water, but I found no source of water nearby. My desire of getting water begins to be stronger as the heat of the sun starts to intensify. I started to walk fast, then ran as fast as I can just to find water.

Then I found a person standing far away, so I walked towards that person. As I go near, I recognize that person. It was you; the person that I adore. “Why are you here?”, I asked. You did not respond. Maybe you were here because you followed me. Then I rushed to you hoping that you will save me from this miserable experience. Then you disappeared just as I go and embrace you. It was just a mirage; a mere hallucination made by my desires of you.

Realizing this, I knelt to my knees and my tears started to flow. Maybe I deserved to be here, I deserved to die alone without seeing your face. Then as I rise my head and accept my grim fate I saw something shining. There was an oasis in front of me. I cried again but this time, I cried for joy. Maybe you were guiding me, even if you’re not even here in the first place.

Thank you, my love. Thank you for being an illusion. Thank you for giving me a reason to live. Even if you were just an illusion, you guided me to my life.