Renewal

I confessed to him, but he declined. He said that I deserved something better than him. I’m against to what he had said, but I understand. To be honest, my heart was still broken, but it is slowly gathering its shards.

He said what I feel about him was brotherly love. I do not know what it meant for me because that is the way how I love someone – I protect someone like a brother or sister. Maybe that’s the reason why I get dumped sometimes.

*laughs as I go to a corner and cries*

Of course, I was hurt. Ain’t nobody got to say something like “I’m okay,” while you are getting rejected. I hope what I said to him did not ruin our friendship. I hope that what I’ve done is a renewal of our friendship. Well, I hope we don’t get awkward the instance we meet tomorrow.

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A Letter to the Education Committee Head

Dear Education Committee Head,

Since the secret is out a long time ago (thanks, Cad haha), I’ll just bring the final blow: I like you a lot.

I always had a crush on you when I was still a new freshman. I always hid this secret a long time. As in wala talagang nakakaalam until last semester when I told a few people that I like you.

You always have this aura of determination flowing around you kahit nasa likod ka noon, and I always admired you from that. And I was so happy nung sumali ka sa Sok nung OF ako, because I might get to know you more. I learned that kasali ka sa Writer’s Club, that’s why I taught myself how to write and have this blog.

Just from there, yung admiration ko sa iyo ay lumalaki habang tumatagal. I always want to see you. I want to see you each day with your smile in your face. I want to protect that smile. I want to protect you. If you have checked my blog, most of these blog posts are about you. I always think how you are doing. I want to know you more. I want to see you every day. I want to drink those shots nung sem-ender ng Sok, because you’re swelling up from the allergic reaction that you got from drinking alcohol.

Mas nagging masaya ako nung napasama ako sa EdukCom. To be really honest, I never saw my worth as an individual but you showed me that I can do things I never thought I could. And I thank you for that.

And you are the reason why my anxiety attacks are not as often as before. I’m always thinking of you, and by that, my negative thoughts are gone. And in every instance that I always see or think about you, I have this weird sensation – something crawls under my skin, I have butterflies in my stomach, and I cannot sleep. And I realized something: I accidentally fell in love with you. All this time I had fallen for you.

But I don’t want to say this to you.

I don’t want to say I love you for the fear that I’m going to lose a friend. That’s why I’m trying to distance myself away from you. But I can’t do it. Another reason is that I am afraid to feel this; I don’t want to feel love for the fear that they might leave me for someone better.

Now, you don’t need to return my feelings. I just want to say that there is someone who appreciates you; who sees you as perfect even if you have flaws; one who sees the best in you every time even if the situation goes awry; someone who supports you in whatever you decide to go upon your life; and there is someone whose commitment to be beside you is as big as his commitment in playing League of Legends, and that’s a lot.

Lagi mo sinasabi na lagi kang talo, but little did you know, you won my heart a long time ago.

-A Certain Education Committee Member

Mirage

I am travelling in a desert, far away from the civilization that I know. My throat is parched, the rays of the sun reaches its zenith, the heat is getting stronger & stronger.

As I travel further to the desert, my water supply runs out. I started searching for a source of water, but I found no source of water nearby. My desire of getting water begins to be stronger as the heat of the sun starts to intensify. I started to walk fast, then ran as fast as I can just to find water.

Then I found a person standing far away, so I walked towards that person. As I go near, I recognize that person. It was you; the person that I adore. “Why are you here?”, I asked. You did not respond. Maybe you were here because you followed me. Then I rushed to you hoping that you will save me from this miserable experience. Then you disappeared just as I go and embrace you. It was just a mirage; a mere hallucination made by my desires of you.

Realizing this, I knelt to my knees and my tears started to flow. Maybe I deserved to be here, I deserved to die alone without seeing your face. Then as I rise my head and accept my grim fate I saw something shining. There was an oasis in front of me. I cried again but this time, I cried for joy. Maybe you were guiding me, even if you’re not even here in the first place.

Thank you, my love. Thank you for being an illusion. Thank you for giving me a reason to live. Even if you were just an illusion, you guided me to my life.