Tenacity and Resilience

“When you fall, get right back up,” has always been my mantra ever since I entered college. Being a risk-taker myself, it is common for me to have failures on what I am doing in life. However, I still find myself still facing to my problems, undaunted despite the fact that I always stumble and fall to the crashing waves of my troubles. Sometimes I always doubt on myself on what I can do, but I always find myself not letting go of the things I do. I always hold on until I can achieve it, proving people who didn’t believe in me wrong.

Of course, I wasn’t always like this. Before, I was always swayed by other people. Many people, including my family, thinks that I am always that one who doesn’t last long on something. I always please people before, doing things what I could think people would like for me to do. Also, I had an enormous fear of failing, thinking that I will disappoint several people if I trip and fall flat in my face. I was supposed to be a part of an annual play in the university but my weak side got into me, which caused my withdrawal from the play mid-rehearsals. All I felt was guilt after I did that, making excuses in front of everyone. However, I thought that if I persevere more, I could’ve overcome my anxiety.

But I learned that there will always be risks whatever situation we are in; I realized that I am not comfortable playing safe in life. Life should not be compared to a game where you can restart whenever something goes wrong. One, however, could try to exert effort to do something that no one could expect.

Realizing that, I finally learned that I could achieve anything if I stay headstrong and keep my eyes on the prize that I want. There may be negative thoughts lingering about, but I try my best to have an optimistic outlook in life and believe in people who always support me in any endeavors I venture. I tried to do this in my academics last semester, and my grades went significantly higher compared to past semesters.

This semester I auditioned again to that play hoping that I can now do it, having this positive mindset of mine equipped. I won’t back down this time. Now, I will pour my heart out into it like it is the first and last show where I will be in. Maybe, I will see the results of my own brand of grit if it happens.

Risoluto

I always feel so empty inside. Before, I always cling on people hoping that they will fill that void that is inside of me. But the end result was always negative – it makes it bigger and make me feel terrible for existing.

Me living every single day was a painful torture for me. My thoughts that I am being a burden to everyone – that I was a being of destruction wrecking everything it touches. I just wish that I could hide my presence around people. These thoughts linger even on the most cherished moments I had in my life.

Because of these thoughts, I just had a thought of running away – thinking that it could be the way to solve my problems. I always feel tired of living everyday trying to get by. One time I did it, and all I felt was guilt because I abandoned my friends that were also trying to exert my effort to live through the hardship that we were facing. I kept making excuses on why I left, denying the fact that I gave in to the weak side of mine. A few months ago, I almost gave in to my weak persona again. I felt so bad saying those harsh words that came through my mind.

However, I won’t run away this time. I won’t run away this time, and I will stand resolute to the wave that is coming. I may always trip and stumble but I will always get right back up because I have people who always believe in me, even if I have this doubt inside of me. That’s why I want to thank all of them. I may have these thoughts but you people always push me to step forward to the centerstage.

Now the curtains are rising, hope you will enjoy the show that is called my life.

“The performance begins.” -Jhin, League of Legends

Muck and Mud

Just two cents of my mind: I am truly dismayed with the elections in my university right now. It is downright dirty to the core, and both parties have done wrong things, in my opinion. Even if I lean in one party, I cannot deny the fact that they have also done wrong things.

Honestly, I hate people who slings mud to others just because what they think is right. Do not berate them, be silent and let the awful smell surface out of them. Or if you want to kill them with kindness, educate them. Teach them what is wrong with it, not call them out. I heard in some people in their organizations not exercising their right to vote who they want to; they impose that they should vote people in the political party their organization is affiliated to. It is a big irony, really.

You hate the monster, yet you act like one? I guess that is a “shame on you” coming from me.

On the other side, do not make yourselves look like a smart ass, which in reality does not know what he/she is talking about. You should be more aware of the things that are happening in the university and the sectors around it. And no, neoliberalism and imperialism is bad to us. And telling that the protests are “uncultured” and uncivilized” makes me think: what if the government strip your rights which are the fruits of the struggles of people who fought for it? So much for your privilege. And no, you should feel the struggles of the students because you are one, and you should also know what is happening to the sectors in the university.

You seek to be the leaders of this university yet you are not aware what’s happening around you? I guess that is a “shame on you” coming from me.

This made me realize that the university is a microcosm of the Philippine society. One must realize: there are no “saints” in this society we live in times of elections, they will exploit any means just to get the votes.  I guess I can say that we all have their own kind of “evil” lurking in us. But as I said, this is just my two cents. And this thought makes me chuckle every single time.

Renewal

I confessed to him, but he declined. He said that I deserved something better than him. I’m against to what he had said, but I understand. To be honest, my heart was still broken, but it is slowly gathering its shards.

He said what I feel about him was brotherly love. I do not know what it meant for me because that is the way how I love someone – I protect someone like a brother or sister. Maybe that’s the reason why I get dumped sometimes.

*laughs as I go to a corner and cries*

Of course, I was hurt. Ain’t nobody got to say something like “I’m okay,” while you are getting rejected. I hope what I said to him did not ruin our friendship. I hope that what I’ve done is a renewal of our friendship. Well, I hope we don’t get awkward the instance we meet tomorrow.

A Letter to the Education Committee Head

Dear Education Committee Head,

Since the secret is out a long time ago (thanks, Cad haha), I’ll just bring the final blow: I like you a lot.

I always had a crush on you when I was still a new freshman. I always hid this secret a long time. As in wala talagang nakakaalam until last semester when I told a few people that I like you.

You always have this aura of determination flowing around you kahit nasa likod ka noon, and I always admired you from that. And I was so happy nung sumali ka sa Sok nung OF ako, because I might get to know you more. I learned that kasali ka sa Writer’s Club, that’s why I taught myself how to write and have this blog.

Just from there, yung admiration ko sa iyo ay lumalaki habang tumatagal. I always want to see you. I want to see you each day with your smile in your face. I want to protect that smile. I want to protect you. If you have checked my blog, most of these blog posts are about you. I always think how you are doing. I want to know you more. I want to see you every day. I want to drink those shots nung sem-ender ng Sok, because you’re swelling up from the allergic reaction that you got from drinking alcohol.

Mas nagging masaya ako nung napasama ako sa EdukCom. To be really honest, I never saw my worth as an individual but you showed me that I can do things I never thought I could. And I thank you for that.

And you are the reason why my anxiety attacks are not as often as before. I’m always thinking of you, and by that, my negative thoughts are gone. And in every instance that I always see or think about you, I have this weird sensation – something crawls under my skin, I have butterflies in my stomach, and I cannot sleep. And I realized something: I accidentally fell in love with you. All this time I had fallen for you.

But I don’t want to say this to you.

I don’t want to say I love you for the fear that I’m going to lose a friend. That’s why I’m trying to distance myself away from you. But I can’t do it. Another reason is that I am afraid to feel this; I don’t want to feel love for the fear that they might leave me for someone better.

Now, you don’t need to return my feelings. I just want to say that there is someone who appreciates you; who sees you as perfect even if you have flaws; one who sees the best in you every time even if the situation goes awry; someone who supports you in whatever you decide to go upon your life; and there is someone whose commitment to be beside you is as big as his commitment in playing League of Legends, and that’s a lot.

Lagi mo sinasabi na lagi kang talo, but little did you know, you won my heart a long time ago.

-A Certain Education Committee Member

Sunflower

I was a freshman and you recently shifted from another course. I sense this aura of determination coming for you, and I admire you so much for that; this is where a small plant of attraction to you sprouted. It was a small crush for you, really.

Then two broken relationships and anxiety rose up from the surface because of that. As people know, I have been diagnosed with a kind of anxiety called avoidant personality disorder. This means that I tend to really avoid people at all costs. I started to hate everyone including myself. I have those thoughts that I was worthless around people and have no worth

I feel troubled at those times until I started to think about you. These thoughts vanish like smoke. I feel that I was safe whenever I think of you. Because of this, my anxiety attacks are not as frequent anymore. I still have those (my last episode was a month ago), but it quickly dissipates whenever I have thoughts of you. Just you in my mind clarifies my mind full of blurs.

You may not know this, but your determination inspired me. And this small sprout became a tall and prominent sunflower in my heart. And it fills me with determination. And I’ll do anything to take care of you and the sunnflower.

“Thank you, and I love you from the deepest part of my heart.”

Double-edged sword

I’m afraid of love. It’s like a double-edged sword; it may hurt you or the one that you love.

I’m scared of telling my feelings to someone or receiving it, because I know for sure that I will be the first one to break it. From my previous relationships, I would say that I am the one starting to tear the relationship apart without closure.

I don’t want to show feelings at all. I don’t like to express it, too. Even saying “I love you” is difficult for me. I once wished that I would exchange my emotions for something, because I know that someone will get hurt once I express it. And I will also hurt myself for guilt and shame from doing it. I am hearing voices inside my head saying these things:

“Don’t do it, don’t tell him that you have feelings for him.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same way to you.”

“You’ll hurt him the same way as you did to your past boyfriends.”

“It’s better to be alone. You will hurt nobody.”

Because of that, I cannot tell my feelings for him. It’s just being next to him makes me content, at the very least. I just want to see him everyday. Because I feel that he is one that is worth protecting for. I will be his solace whenever he is sad. It seems like a near-death situation will make me say that I love him. But I am afraid, because I may break you and myself.

“I love you, but I don’t want to hurt you.”