Double-edged sword

I’m afraid of love. It’s like a double-edged sword; it may hurt you or the one that you love.

I’m scared of telling my feelings to someone or receiving it, because I know for sure that I will be the first one to break it. From my previous relationships, I would say that I am the one starting to tear the relationship apart without closure.

I don’t want to show feelings at all. I don’t like to express it, too. Even saying “I love you” is difficult for me. I once wished that I would exchange my emotions for something, because I know that someone will get hurt once I express it. And I will also hurt myself for guilt and shame from doing it. I am hearing voices inside my head saying these things:

“Don’t do it, don’t tell him that you have feelings for him.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same way to you.”

“You’ll hurt him the same way as you did to your past boyfriends.”

“It’s better to be alone. You will hurt nobody.”

Because of that, I cannot tell my feelings for him. It’s just being next to him makes me content, at the very least. I just want to see him everyday. Because I feel that he is one that is worth protecting for. I will be his solace whenever he is sad. It seems like a near-death situation will make me say that I love him. But I am afraid, because I may break you and myself.

“I love you, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

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