Elusive

I don’t like to talk to people. I tend to feel that they think that I don’t belong on their group. They don’t like a person like me. They feel that I am different. That I am deviant, that I am toxic. That why I am elusive to people. Yet I want to be close to people.

I have the tendency to restrain myself from interacting with other people, because I feel that I don’t “connect” to them because I feel that I will rejected and a mess that no one should deserve to be close to me. That includes my close friends and my family. You know that feeling when you are with someone who is close to you yet you feel that you don’t belong to his/her life? Yeah, I feel like that everyday. Though I have thoughts that I  am very close to them. I feel that I am connected.

Well, I want to say many things to  many people which I cannot say to the straight in the face. To the people who try to help me with all their “advice”, you make me feel worse about myself. They think that they are being “expert psychologists” when in fact that they don’t know anything about psychology at all. They’re all quack for me.

My brother telling me that I am being selfish because I only think of myself. Oh sorry, but did I tell you and mom to NOT bother me. Heck, I don even feel both of you as someone who I can cling on when I am in need. Oh well, at least you tried.

And to one of my friends in high school, fuck you. I mean, FUCK YOU for existing. You are a reminder that you are one of the persons that I should avoid in life because I want to punch you in the face. And to tell you that, our friends hates you. And you’re a living piece of shit.

Though I have a few hopes that i could keep on living. I have this crush on someone who I am friends with. Let’s call this person ‘GC’. I don’t have the ability to tell my feelings to this person, but I want to tell this. I like you. Heck, maybe I could say that I love you because I have a crush on you since last semester (maybe even earlier, I dunno); that means that I have feelings for you. I want to erase these but I can’t do it. Maybe that’s the reason why my relationships don’t last too long. I can’t stop thinking about you everyday.

So, GC. I want to tell my feelings for you for a long time but I’m afraid that I can’t. I’m afraid to come out of my shell and say my what I want to say with you, maybe because you will hate me or avoid me for that. Probably I am not your type of guy. I don’t mind if you don’t return my feelings. I just want you to know that there is an elusive fox who cares for you, even if I don’t show these when we interact with each other. But I can’t seem to do it. Maybe I won’t until you graduate from college. But if you are on trouble, I’m always here for you. Love you, GC.

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