Why do I feel like I’m useless? I did my best at everything I do. I pour my heart at everything I do. I even take criticisms as constructive, yet I feel that all I do is useless all the time.

Why do I feel like I’m being resented by everyone around me? Like all I bring is negativity and all I receive is flak.

Why do I despise interacting with people? I feel that I don’t care about people, yet I feel that people will judge me for who I am.

Why do I feel like a disappointment? People are rooting for me, yet all I do is crash and burn. Like I feel that I’m a failure.

Why do I feel like I’m an outcast? Why do I feel like disappearing for good?

Why do I feel mediocre? Like it’s never enough; like all I do can be so much more.

Why would I just disappear to make everyone happy? I was just a burden in their lives so it’s fine to vanish, right?

Muck and Mud

Just two cents of my mind: I am truly dismayed with the elections in my university right now. It is downright dirty to the core, and both parties have done wrong things, in my opinion. Even if I lean in one party, I cannot deny the fact that they have also done wrong things.

Honestly, I hate people who slings mud to others just because what they think is right. Do not berate them, be silent and let the awful smell surface out of them. Or if you want to kill them with kindness, educate them. Teach them what is wrong with it, not call them out. I heard in some people in their organizations not exercising their right to vote who they want to; they impose that they should vote people in the political party their organization is affiliated to. It is a big irony, really.

You hate the monster, yet you act like one? I guess that is a “shame on you” coming from me.

On the other side, do not make yourselves look like a smart ass, which in reality does not know what he/she is talking about. You should be more aware of the things that are happening in the university and the sectors around it. And no, neoliberalism and imperialism is bad to us. And telling that the protests are “uncultured” and uncivilized” makes me think: what if the government strip your rights which are the fruits of the struggles of people who fought for it? So much for your privilege. And no, you should feel the struggles of the students because you are one, and you should also know what is happening to the sectors in the university.

You seek to be the leaders of this university yet you are not aware what’s happening around you? I guess that is a “shame on you” coming from me.

This made me realize that the university is a microcosm of the Philippine society. One must realize: there are no “saints” in this society we live in times of elections, they will exploit any means just to get the votes.  I guess I can say that we all have their own kind of “evil” lurking in us. But as I said, this is just my two cents. And this thought makes me chuckle every single time.


I confessed to him, but he declined. He said that I deserved something better than him. I’m against to what he had said, but I understand. To be honest, my heart was still broken, but it is slowly gathering its shards.

He said what I feel about him was brotherly love. I do not know what it meant for me because that is the way how I love someone – I protect someone like a brother or sister. Maybe that’s the reason why I get dumped sometimes.

*laughs as I go to a corner and cries*

Of course, I was hurt. Ain’t nobody got to say something like “I’m okay,” while you are getting rejected. I hope what I said to him did not ruin our friendship. I hope that what I’ve done is a renewal of our friendship. Well, I hope we don’t get awkward the instance we meet tomorrow.

A Letter to the Education Committee Head

Dear Education Committee Head,

Since the secret is out a long time ago (thanks, Cad haha), I’ll just bring the final blow: I like you a lot.

I always had a crush on you when I was still a new freshman. I always hid this secret a long time. As in wala talagang nakakaalam until last semester when I told a few people that I like you.

You always have this aura of determination flowing around you kahit nasa likod ka noon, and I always admired you from that. And I was so happy nung sumali ka sa Sok nung OF ako, because I might get to know you more. I learned that kasali ka sa Writer’s Club, that’s why I taught myself how to write and have this blog.

Just from there, yung admiration ko sa iyo ay lumalaki habang tumatagal. I always want to see you. I want to see you each day with your smile in your face. I want to protect that smile. I want to protect you. If you have checked my blog, most of these blog posts are about you. I always think how you are doing. I want to know you more. I want to see you every day. I want to drink those shots nung sem-ender ng Sok, because you’re swelling up from the allergic reaction that you got from drinking alcohol.

Mas nagging masaya ako nung napasama ako sa EdukCom. To be really honest, I never saw my worth as an individual but you showed me that I can do things I never thought I could. And I thank you for that.

And you are the reason why my anxiety attacks are not as often as before. I’m always thinking of you, and by that, my negative thoughts are gone. And in every instance that I always see or think about you, I have this weird sensation – something crawls under my skin, I have butterflies in my stomach, and I cannot sleep. And I realized something: I accidentally fell in love with you. All this time I had fallen for you.

But I don’t want to say this to you.

I don’t want to say I love you for the fear that I’m going to lose a friend. That’s why I’m trying to distance myself away from you. But I can’t do it. Another reason is that I am afraid to feel this; I don’t want to feel love for the fear that they might leave me for someone better.

Now, you don’t need to return my feelings. I just want to say that there is someone who appreciates you; who sees you as perfect even if you have flaws; one who sees the best in you every time even if the situation goes awry; someone who supports you in whatever you decide to go upon your life; and there is someone whose commitment to be beside you is as big as his commitment in playing League of Legends, and that’s a lot.

Lagi mo sinasabi na lagi kang talo, but little did you know, you won my heart a long time ago.

-A Certain Education Committee Member


I was a freshman and you recently shifted from another course. I sense this aura of determination coming for you, and I admire you so much for that; this is where a small plant of attraction to you sprouted. It was a small crush for you, really.

Then two broken relationships and anxiety rose up from the surface because of that. As people know, I have been diagnosed with a kind of anxiety called avoidant personality disorder. This means that I tend to really avoid people at all costs. I started to hate everyone including myself. I have those thoughts that I was worthless around people and have no worth

I feel troubled at those times until I started to think about you. These thoughts vanish like smoke. I feel that I was safe whenever I think of you. Because of this, my anxiety attacks are not as frequent anymore. I still have those (my last episode was a month ago), but it quickly dissipates whenever I have thoughts of you. Just you in my mind clarifies my mind full of blurs.

You may not know this, but your determination inspired me. And this small sprout became a tall and prominent sunflower in my heart. And it fills me with determination. And I’ll do anything to take care of you and the sunnflower.

“Thank you, and I love you from the deepest part of my heart.”

Double-edged sword

I’m afraid of love. It’s like a double-edged sword; it may hurt you or the one that you love.

I’m scared of telling my feelings to someone or receiving it, because I know for sure that I will be the first one to break it. From my previous relationships, I would say that I am the one starting to tear the relationship apart without closure.

I don’t want to show feelings at all. I don’t like to express it, too. Even saying “I love you” is difficult for me. I once wished that I would exchange my emotions for something, because I know that someone will get hurt once I express it. And I will also hurt myself for guilt and shame from doing it. I am hearing voices inside my head saying these things:

“Don’t do it, don’t tell him that you have feelings for him.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same way to you.”

“You’ll hurt him the same way as you did to your past boyfriends.”

“It’s better to be alone. You will hurt nobody.”

Because of that, I cannot tell my feelings for him. It’s just being next to him makes me content, at the very least. I just want to see him everyday. Because I feel that he is one that is worth protecting for. I will be his solace whenever he is sad. It seems like a near-death situation will make me say that I love him. But I am afraid, because I may break you and myself.

“I love you, but I don’t want to hurt you.”


Another semester has ended again. There are so many things that happened this year. It seems like I outlasted all of my subjects. I became an emotional train wreck. I found myself. Well, let us congratulates ourselves!

Earlier, we are in the jeep together. I would buy you some antihistamine just because you accidentally drank a cup of coconut whiskey, which tastes like a mix of vinegar and vodka, and I just found our that you have an allergy on alcoholic drinks. You could’ve just told me that. I would drink all of that whiskey of yours when you’re losing on the bobo game. You were swelling as we’re going home. Well, I hope that you are okay there in home and took some antihistamine to alleviate what you are feeling.

Yet I cannot find the courage to confess to you. I don’t know when will I be able to confess to you; maybe time will tell. Maybe I’m very afraid telling what I feel.